Dr. Paul David Tripp
22-08-2018
Without the truth of the gospel, it is very easy to reduce parenting down to what you want to get from your children and what you want to see in your children. Parenting is not about that.
Parenting is about what God knows you need and what He alone is able to do in the lives of my children.
Parenting is about being an ambassador. I am God's representative.
Every child is a philosopher. Every child is a theologian. Every child is an archeologist who will dig through the mountain of existence to make sense out of lives. I want to be part of that formation that God has designed for every child.
I am also parenting a worshiper. That's your child's identity, and not his activity. Something will always rule the heart of that child. He will either worship some kind of idol or he will worship God. The idol of idols is the idol of self. The most natural thing that a child worships is himself. "I am the centre of my universe. I want the world to serve me. I want to rule my own life. And frankly I don't really need you to parent me because I know what I want and I don't like you either way."
So God's called me to be part of that formative struggle in the heart of a child.
If your eyes ever see or your ears ever hear the same weakness and failure of your children, it's never an accident, it's never a hassle; it's always grace. God loves children. He's put them in a family of faith. And He will reveal their needs to you so you can be a tool of rescue, restoration and transformation. You should never, ever get upset because you are seeing the weaknesses or failures of your children.
Parents, your children don't know why they do the things they do because they don't know who they are. That's your job.
"Mommy didn't yell at you. Mommy didn't call you bad names. Mommy didn't ask you to do something wrong. When you are yelling at mommy, you are trying to be the the mommy of mommies. If you are trying to be the mommy of mommies, you have no mommy."
Don't just manage behavior, go after the heart.
Represent God's grace and be a part of what He's going to do in the lives of your children.
What a child needs, you have no ability whatsoever as a parent to produce. You have no ability whatsoever to change your child.
Change is not your job. Your job is to be a tool in the hands of the One who can change your children. You're just a tool in God's toolbox.
God makes His invisible grace visible by sending parents the grace to give grace to children who need grace.
God would never ever call you to a task without enabling you to do it. He would not send you without going with you.
The genius of parenting is that it is repetitive. By the work on the cross, He provides a way to accept us into His family. But we're in a bit of a mess. So for the rest of our Christian lives, He progressively works to change us. It is a process.
If I am the change maker, then the only option is to win. And losing is deeply personal.
If you make this about you and your change agenda for your child, these four things will happen.
First, you'll turn moments of ministry into moments of anger. You personalise what is not personal. You make it about you. Eg. I can't believe you'd do this to me. I can't believe this is happening again.
You get in the way of what God is doing. You can't have a win mentality. You gotta have a process mentality where each conversation is another step in the process. There won't be ultimate winning till Jesus returns.
If I am a completely successful parent, when my child leaves the home, he'll still need God's process of change in his life.
Parenting will not just expose the heart of my child. It will also expose my heart. The more I confess my need of grace, the easier it is for me to give grace. Nobody gives grace easier than the person who needed it himself.
Jesus carried every ounce of my sin and every piece of my rejection. In my most painful moments, I pray that I would not ever want to see the back of God's head. The most painful moment for Christ on the cross was not physical, it was relational. It was God turning His back on His Son and Jesus crying out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken Me?" Jesus took my forsaking so that I would receive acceptance. It is not based on what I do but based on what He's done.
That frees me to run to the One who accepts me even though I am dirty, stained, weak and failing. It allows me to confess those favours to my children.
The gospel is preached so powerfully in that moment of weakness and failure. I am not promoting my righteousness to my children.
And it's not just getting my children saved. It is about being used by God to help produce disciples who will continue to say this is the most valuable thing in my life and continue to be open for the change that God wants to work in my life.
So eventhough when they leave my home, they always see themselves in a spiritual sense as children in need of parenting of the Heavenly Father.
Copyright 2018 CHEC & Generations | All Rights Reserved
Getting to the Heart of Behaviour
Dr. Tedd & Margy Tripp
24-10-2018
Proverbs 4:23 New Heart English Bible
23 Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.
Luke 6:45 New King James Version (NKJV)
45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil [a]treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
What the Scriptures make abundantly clear is that the problems we get into are not just problems of the fact that we've been doing the wrong thing. It's really even before that that's what's going on inside. It's those heart issues that we want to speak to with our kids.
So we're not just controlling and managing behaviour. We're really involved in the nurture of our children and helping them to understand their hearts and where that behavior that strays reflects a heart that strays. The key idea is that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
We tend to think of the heart equals emotions. But the Bible teaches that we think with our hearts. God flooded the world because He saw the thought of men's hearts was bent on evil continually. (Genesis 6:5) Things we think of in terms of interaction with other people is all heart driven.
Matthew 5:8 New King James Version (NKJV)
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
Matthew 6:21 New King James Version (NKJV)
21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 5:21-22a New King James Version (NKJV)
Murder Begins in the Heart
21 “You have heard that it was said to those [a]of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother [b]without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.
Matthew 5:27-28 New King James Version (NKJV)
Adultery in the Heart
27 “You have heard that it was said [a]to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus applies the law in terms of the heart. The focus of Christ's ministry again and again is everything flows from the heart.
We live in a world that is so superficial regarding everything. Behaviour and relationships are all focusing on externals. It is superficial because it never gets to what lies under what is said and done. The world is satisfied with that.
But as believers, we have a way of looking at the world, life and ourselves that is profoundly internal. The heart is important for that reason.
Proverbs 16:5a New King James Version (NKJV)
5 Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord;
As Christians, we have marvellous resources for understanding the heart because we have a Bible that is complete. It is everything we need for reprove, correction, instruction, righteousness. Things like pride rather than humility, or love of self rather than love for others, or anger rather than being a peacemaker, or rebellion rather than submission, or envy rather than a desire for the good of others, or covetousness rather than generosity of the heart, or self preservation rather than laying down my life.
As parents, develop a heart notebook with your kids. Fill it with the truth of God's Word about the heart.
Romans 12:19-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 Therefore
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
God will take care of justice.
1 Peter 2:23-25 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness—by whose [a]stripes you were healed. 25 For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and [b]Overseer of your souls.
As husbands and wives, talk together and have the humility to be honest with one another. As for ourselves, seek the Lord and do that hard work.
Those are important ways to prepare ourselves to help children uncover, not to dictate, analyse or approach them. Rather, to lead them to an understanding of the things that motivate them. There is no more powerful way to get to the hearts of your children than to have the Spirit of God get to your heart.
For us as children of God, that foray into the heart always ends at the cross. That is where we want to take our children when they are trying to recognise, acknowledge and work on their own hearts. We always want to take them to the cross. If we have moved on to the cross as a result of understanding our motivations, it is a natural thing for us to take our children to the cross as well.
There is hope for us. There is grace for us. Because Christ lived in our world, our flesh and experienced all those stuff we're experiencing in this world.
We live in a culture and a world where people are islands and we don't get into anyone's personal space.
It's true in the families as well. How many families keep the peace by staying out of one another's way? They figure out what the trigger points are. That certainly happen in marriages a lot. And we can teach that to our children. It's messy, it's difficult, it requires humility, and it requires having your life consumed with a different mentality that is focused on what will make us like Christ and what will truly serve one another.
In 21st century culture, we're consumed with what will please me today and get me through my day and what will accomplish my agenda. This just decimates that whole mindset.
We have to realise that there are layers of heart issues. And sometimes we can identify pride as the face of what's going on in the heart. But often, underneath that pride is real insecurity rather than being okay with who they are in Christ.
Pray the prayer of Psalm 139.
Psalm 139:4 New King James Version (NKJV)
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
Psalm 139:23-24 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Pray the Word of God because God's Word cleanses and purifies.
1 Peter 1:22-25 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Enduring Word
22 Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth [a]through the Spirit in [b]sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, 23 having been born again, not of [c]corruptible seed but [d]incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides [e]forever, 24 because
“All flesh is as grass,
And all [f]the glory of man as the flower of the grass.
The grass withers,
And its flower falls away,
25 But the [g]word of the Lord endures forever.”
Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.
The most powerful approach with our children is to begin with ourselves.
Hebrews 4:14-16 New International Version (NIV)
Jesus the Great High Priest
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
All of those passages that smack of that incarnation of the Lord Jesus Christ abiding with us are models for us of how to come alongside anyone in our world, and certainly our children, so that they are able to receive. We want our instructions to be Christ-like and as acceptable as we can. Where ever we can, use ourselves as an illustration of one who has struggled and who has overcome--not because of any good in us but--because we have access to the Lord Jesus Christ. Bring the Word of God to them.
James 3:13-18 New King James Version (NKJV)
Heavenly Versus Demonic Wisdom
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and [a]self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
(Peacemakers are harvesters of the fruit righteousness.)
God's truth is persuasive because the Spirit of God works through it. Bringing God's Word to kids is such a powerful thing.
Because parents that are very conscientious and intentional in raising their kids for the Lord are so focused on and so desperately want them to come to faith and to live out the goodness of a Christian life, it is very easy for us to be overbearing and sign on the dotted line and seal the deal and close the deal each time.
Try to commend our children for what we know is at the root of their hearts. For instance, "I know you love your brother. And this was a struggle, isn't it? Because you had a battle in your heart. You wanted to sit in the front seat with your grandpa. But I know you love your brother." It is always good to acknowledge and recognise that there are good desires in the hearts of our children. When our kids are in trouble, we tend to zero in with laser precision on their fault. Sometimes we do that in our marriage.
The other important issue is to remember why God brings discipline to us. He doesn't bring discipline to us in order to get His thumb on us and show that we did wrong and we're going to get it now. God's purpose in discipline is to make us holy. Acknowledge that to our children the reasons why this is so important is because we want them to come on the other side of this as a person who is a more whole person. God's Word is powerful and true and God's Spirit is able to change us from the inside out. We need to think discipling when we think discipline. That changes the whole way we think about and interact with and go about the discipline process and moves us away from "Let's fix this problem" mentality to a broader vision that is, God's vision and purpose for us as His children, even in chastisement, is always to make us holy.
If our focus is changed behaviour, then we don't need the gospel for that. But if our focus is on what's going on inside, our only hope is the gospel. There is a God who is full of grace and power that can transform us internally because we are a fallen people, we are a fraud and we live in a broken world so we ourselves sin against others and we're sinned against, and there is hope for all that Christ came into our world and looked at the world through our eyes.
Hebrews 2:18 New King James Version (NKJV)
18 For in that He Himself has suffered, being [a]tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.
His experience of our lives in a broken world with simple people all around Him gives Him the capacity to help us, redemptively, in the midst of our struggles.
The more we are focused on the heart, the more we're drawn to the gospel because there is no other hope.
Behaviour is not going to get us there. It is like the icing on the cake.
With the gospel, we are the whole cake.
In a secular sense, behaviourism doesn't build character. Prizes create a more greedy child than when you started with. Punishments create antagonism and rebellion in the child. So it doesn't work long term.
Only believers have a world that's outside of that sensory world, an unseen world of spiritual reality where God exists and out of which we can interpret all of life. As believers, we have a doctrine of internal change. We have a reality that is in addition to the sensory world where we can accurately interpret the seen world by virtue of the unseen world.
Parents and authorities in our culture do not want to acknowledge their own shortcomings. It is a whole wrong view on authority. It is part of the world we live in.
Think about the people who inspire you the most. People who inspire you the most are the people who acknowledge their humanity and their fallenness. And they give you hope that you, like they, can know hope in Christ. Recognise the power of being people who have the humility to acknowledge their humanity and sinfulness because it creates a sense of oneness between you and the person you're trying to reach that will never be accomplished by standing over them with the law.
We have to see this as a process. In disarming rebellion, if we have teenagers who've hardened their hearts toward us and toward God, we have to start by acknowledging our own failures and welcoming them in respectful ways to tell us the ways that we have hurt them because that wall didn't blow up by accident. In many ways we created the wall. That doesn't mean we created the rebellion. They're responsible before God for their rebellion. But sometimes we get in the way of God working. So disarming rebellion comes about by talking to our children by being honest about our shortcomings, limitations and failures and even welcoming them to get it off of their chest in respectful ways. Start by saying, "I want to give you an opportunity to tell me the ways that I've made this difficult for you or the ways that I've hurt you." We do this together. Take as long for that process as needed. It is a process, and not an event.
And what happens is that we remove that sense of justification against us and our parenting methods and behaviourism. We open the way for hope in God. Many times we're what's in the way and we want to remove their sense of justification against us so that God's Spirit can work in those children who have become hardened against us. Since we're God's representatives, they've hardened their hearts against God as well. We can't defend ourselves based on our own good intentions.
We began opening the way for healing and relationships. Until our children feel understood, there's not going to be any healing.
Galatians 6:9 New King James Version (NKJV)
9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
Stick with the Lord and He'll stick with you.
2 Peter 1:3-4a New King James Version (NKJV)
3 as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, 4 by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature,
We have endless resources in our Lord Jesus. God's Word speaks to every need in ourselves and in our home. God's Spirit is always there to open His Word to us if we'll seek Him.
Ephesians 3:20-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Copyright 2018 CHEC & Generations | All Rights Reserved
24-10-2018
Proverbs 4:23 New Heart English Bible
23 Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.
Luke 6:45 New King James Version (NKJV)
45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil [a]treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
What the Scriptures make abundantly clear is that the problems we get into are not just problems of the fact that we've been doing the wrong thing. It's really even before that that's what's going on inside. It's those heart issues that we want to speak to with our kids.
So we're not just controlling and managing behaviour. We're really involved in the nurture of our children and helping them to understand their hearts and where that behavior that strays reflects a heart that strays. The key idea is that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
We tend to think of the heart equals emotions. But the Bible teaches that we think with our hearts. God flooded the world because He saw the thought of men's hearts was bent on evil continually. (Genesis 6:5) Things we think of in terms of interaction with other people is all heart driven.
Matthew 5:8 New King James Version (NKJV)
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
Matthew 6:21 New King James Version (NKJV)
21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 5:21-22a New King James Version (NKJV)
Murder Begins in the Heart
21 “You have heard that it was said to those [a]of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother [b]without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.
Matthew 5:27-28 New King James Version (NKJV)
Adultery in the Heart
27 “You have heard that it was said [a]to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus applies the law in terms of the heart. The focus of Christ's ministry again and again is everything flows from the heart.
We live in a world that is so superficial regarding everything. Behaviour and relationships are all focusing on externals. It is superficial because it never gets to what lies under what is said and done. The world is satisfied with that.
But as believers, we have a way of looking at the world, life and ourselves that is profoundly internal. The heart is important for that reason.
Proverbs 16:5a New King James Version (NKJV)
5 Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord;
As Christians, we have marvellous resources for understanding the heart because we have a Bible that is complete. It is everything we need for reprove, correction, instruction, righteousness. Things like pride rather than humility, or love of self rather than love for others, or anger rather than being a peacemaker, or rebellion rather than submission, or envy rather than a desire for the good of others, or covetousness rather than generosity of the heart, or self preservation rather than laying down my life.
As parents, develop a heart notebook with your kids. Fill it with the truth of God's Word about the heart.
Romans 12:19-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 Therefore
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
God will take care of justice.
1 Peter 2:23-25 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness—by whose [a]stripes you were healed. 25 For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and [b]Overseer of your souls.
As husbands and wives, talk together and have the humility to be honest with one another. As for ourselves, seek the Lord and do that hard work.
Those are important ways to prepare ourselves to help children uncover, not to dictate, analyse or approach them. Rather, to lead them to an understanding of the things that motivate them. There is no more powerful way to get to the hearts of your children than to have the Spirit of God get to your heart.
For us as children of God, that foray into the heart always ends at the cross. That is where we want to take our children when they are trying to recognise, acknowledge and work on their own hearts. We always want to take them to the cross. If we have moved on to the cross as a result of understanding our motivations, it is a natural thing for us to take our children to the cross as well.
There is hope for us. There is grace for us. Because Christ lived in our world, our flesh and experienced all those stuff we're experiencing in this world.
We live in a culture and a world where people are islands and we don't get into anyone's personal space.
It's true in the families as well. How many families keep the peace by staying out of one another's way? They figure out what the trigger points are. That certainly happen in marriages a lot. And we can teach that to our children. It's messy, it's difficult, it requires humility, and it requires having your life consumed with a different mentality that is focused on what will make us like Christ and what will truly serve one another.
In 21st century culture, we're consumed with what will please me today and get me through my day and what will accomplish my agenda. This just decimates that whole mindset.
We have to realise that there are layers of heart issues. And sometimes we can identify pride as the face of what's going on in the heart. But often, underneath that pride is real insecurity rather than being okay with who they are in Christ.
Pray the prayer of Psalm 139.
Psalm 139:4 New King James Version (NKJV)
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
Psalm 139:23-24 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Pray the Word of God because God's Word cleanses and purifies.
1 Peter 1:22-25 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Enduring Word
22 Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth [a]through the Spirit in [b]sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, 23 having been born again, not of [c]corruptible seed but [d]incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides [e]forever, 24 because
“All flesh is as grass,
And all [f]the glory of man as the flower of the grass.
The grass withers,
And its flower falls away,
25 But the [g]word of the Lord endures forever.”
Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.
The most powerful approach with our children is to begin with ourselves.
Hebrews 4:14-16 New International Version (NIV)
Jesus the Great High Priest
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
All of those passages that smack of that incarnation of the Lord Jesus Christ abiding with us are models for us of how to come alongside anyone in our world, and certainly our children, so that they are able to receive. We want our instructions to be Christ-like and as acceptable as we can. Where ever we can, use ourselves as an illustration of one who has struggled and who has overcome--not because of any good in us but--because we have access to the Lord Jesus Christ. Bring the Word of God to them.
James 3:13-18 New King James Version (NKJV)
Heavenly Versus Demonic Wisdom
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and [a]self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
(Peacemakers are harvesters of the fruit righteousness.)
God's truth is persuasive because the Spirit of God works through it. Bringing God's Word to kids is such a powerful thing.
Because parents that are very conscientious and intentional in raising their kids for the Lord are so focused on and so desperately want them to come to faith and to live out the goodness of a Christian life, it is very easy for us to be overbearing and sign on the dotted line and seal the deal and close the deal each time.
Try to commend our children for what we know is at the root of their hearts. For instance, "I know you love your brother. And this was a struggle, isn't it? Because you had a battle in your heart. You wanted to sit in the front seat with your grandpa. But I know you love your brother." It is always good to acknowledge and recognise that there are good desires in the hearts of our children. When our kids are in trouble, we tend to zero in with laser precision on their fault. Sometimes we do that in our marriage.
The other important issue is to remember why God brings discipline to us. He doesn't bring discipline to us in order to get His thumb on us and show that we did wrong and we're going to get it now. God's purpose in discipline is to make us holy. Acknowledge that to our children the reasons why this is so important is because we want them to come on the other side of this as a person who is a more whole person. God's Word is powerful and true and God's Spirit is able to change us from the inside out. We need to think discipling when we think discipline. That changes the whole way we think about and interact with and go about the discipline process and moves us away from "Let's fix this problem" mentality to a broader vision that is, God's vision and purpose for us as His children, even in chastisement, is always to make us holy.
If our focus is changed behaviour, then we don't need the gospel for that. But if our focus is on what's going on inside, our only hope is the gospel. There is a God who is full of grace and power that can transform us internally because we are a fallen people, we are a fraud and we live in a broken world so we ourselves sin against others and we're sinned against, and there is hope for all that Christ came into our world and looked at the world through our eyes.
Hebrews 2:18 New King James Version (NKJV)
18 For in that He Himself has suffered, being [a]tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.
His experience of our lives in a broken world with simple people all around Him gives Him the capacity to help us, redemptively, in the midst of our struggles.
The more we are focused on the heart, the more we're drawn to the gospel because there is no other hope.
Behaviour is not going to get us there. It is like the icing on the cake.
With the gospel, we are the whole cake.
In a secular sense, behaviourism doesn't build character. Prizes create a more greedy child than when you started with. Punishments create antagonism and rebellion in the child. So it doesn't work long term.
Only believers have a world that's outside of that sensory world, an unseen world of spiritual reality where God exists and out of which we can interpret all of life. As believers, we have a doctrine of internal change. We have a reality that is in addition to the sensory world where we can accurately interpret the seen world by virtue of the unseen world.
Parents and authorities in our culture do not want to acknowledge their own shortcomings. It is a whole wrong view on authority. It is part of the world we live in.
Think about the people who inspire you the most. People who inspire you the most are the people who acknowledge their humanity and their fallenness. And they give you hope that you, like they, can know hope in Christ. Recognise the power of being people who have the humility to acknowledge their humanity and sinfulness because it creates a sense of oneness between you and the person you're trying to reach that will never be accomplished by standing over them with the law.
We have to see this as a process. In disarming rebellion, if we have teenagers who've hardened their hearts toward us and toward God, we have to start by acknowledging our own failures and welcoming them in respectful ways to tell us the ways that we have hurt them because that wall didn't blow up by accident. In many ways we created the wall. That doesn't mean we created the rebellion. They're responsible before God for their rebellion. But sometimes we get in the way of God working. So disarming rebellion comes about by talking to our children by being honest about our shortcomings, limitations and failures and even welcoming them to get it off of their chest in respectful ways. Start by saying, "I want to give you an opportunity to tell me the ways that I've made this difficult for you or the ways that I've hurt you." We do this together. Take as long for that process as needed. It is a process, and not an event.
And what happens is that we remove that sense of justification against us and our parenting methods and behaviourism. We open the way for hope in God. Many times we're what's in the way and we want to remove their sense of justification against us so that God's Spirit can work in those children who have become hardened against us. Since we're God's representatives, they've hardened their hearts against God as well. We can't defend ourselves based on our own good intentions.
We began opening the way for healing and relationships. Until our children feel understood, there's not going to be any healing.
Galatians 6:9 New King James Version (NKJV)
9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
Stick with the Lord and He'll stick with you.
2 Peter 1:3-4a New King James Version (NKJV)
3 as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, 4 by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature,
We have endless resources in our Lord Jesus. God's Word speaks to every need in ourselves and in our home. God's Spirit is always there to open His Word to us if we'll seek Him.
Ephesians 3:20-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Copyright 2018 CHEC & Generations | All Rights Reserved
Striking the Biblical Balances in Parenting
Pr Kevin Swanson
23-10-2018
The formula to biblical parenting is to get down on your knees and lift up your face to the Lord and cry out to the top of your lungs: "Jesus help me, Jesus help me!“
It is the grace of God that produces a tremendous amount of grace from generation to generation.
The most important thing is prayer.
By God's grace, He steps in and He salvaged and blessed.
It is reliance on God and living a life of prayer and looking to Him and His blessings follow.
It is a life of faith and a prayer of faith. It is getting out of the boat and letting go of the edge of the boat and start walking on water and receiving the wisdom of God and the Holy Spirit of God in making our own decisions relating to the individual discipleship needs of our children. You can't just bring every child down to a formula or a recipe. The Holy Spirit of God must do that.
The idea of assuming that everything's fine and that our children are Christians as early as two or three years of age or the idea of being really freaked out, worried, anxious and concerned show a lack of faith.
What God commands for us is to raise our children in the faith. God loves faith. Anybody that comes to Him must come in faith and believe that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him in faith. We must be seeking Him that He will reward us in the raising of our children with that faith.
But we ourselves need to come to him in faith. The entire parenting life is a life of faith. It is a life of obedience to God in applying the principles that He laid out in His woodwork day by day in the lives of our children and believing all the while that He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him in the raising of His children.
On the one hand, we should not be presumptuous. On the other hand, let's not be anxious. Let's just move ahead in faith and believe that God will reward us in the years to come. Be obedient to God, teach them God's Word, plant the seeds on a daily basis and believe that one day, He will bring forth the increase.
RELATED: THE END GAME: RAISING CHILDREN TO SEEK GOD'S KINGDOM FIRST
Proverbs 22:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
[a]And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Acts 2:39 New King James Version (NKJV)
39 For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call.”
We want to believe that that promise is not only extended to us, it is also extended to our children.
The same promise was given to Abraham in Genesis 17 that this promise is "to you and to your seed."
That is passed along to us by the Apostle Peter as he comes out of the gate in the new covenant's presentation.
God's ministry of grace extends itself into the generations.
We need to see this as normative, especially under the new covenant. It's really interesting how the promise comes in Joel 2 that even our own children will prophesy. In Malachi 4 and 5, after all this discontinuity of faith from generations to generations in the Old Testament where we see how Eli's sons, Samuel's sons and David's sons rebelled, we find that the hearts of the children turned to their fathers, and the fathers to their children in this new covenant age, especially with the outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God.
We should hold on to these promises by faith and expect the blessings of God upon the work that we are doing in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That seems to be the thrust of these promises that come through prophecy and the promises reiterated by Peter in Acts 2.
If we understand the theology of the Word of God and the teachings in terms of the theological mistakes that we can make, and we get our theology right, that can really help us in providing the guard rails to keep us on the straight and narrow, and to raise our children in a proper way. The Word does tell fathers, especially, to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
When people don't pay special attention to this and they don't take up responsibilities that God has laid up for us by His grace in moving ahead in faith and relying upon the Holy Spirit of God along the way, the consequences are dire.
According to James Dobson's latest newsletter, only 4 percent of millennials now maintain even the slightest semblance of a biblical worldview or perspective from their parents or from the discipleship that they are receiving from their families and churches. 96 percent of millennials now believe there are no absolutes so they have basically given up on the basics of a Christian worldview.
That means that the Christian faith is dying out even in this generation to a greater extent. It is really sad.
But it can be stopped if parents take on the responsibility to teach their children God's Word. If they can catch this vision, we are going to see a better result in the next generation. It's so central and it's been largely ignored by the Christian population.
On the one hand, we might become too permissive where we're not really working with our children through the various areas of their lives--in teaching them, exhorting them, rebuking them and correcting them when they need to be corrected--and we're just letting it go. On the other hand, we might give way to some control, freaky tendencies where we want to control our children and be sure that the end result is according to what we have predetermined.
But the end results are always in the hands of God. We maintain a solid commitment to the sovereignty of God. We believe that God is in control and that the Holy Spirit of God is absolutely essential in the working of the inside of our children's hearts to do the regenerating work and renew their hearts and lives in order that they would love God and love their neighbour and their siblings.
It is a responsibility by not giving way to that control freak parent. To a great extent, anger is a result of not really trusting in the sovereignty and goodness of God in bringing out the good effects of our children's lives.
In giving way to the control freaky thing, we're turning ourselves into some kind of a sovereign lord over their lives and their hearts. When we convey the message that we are not training them according to the true and living God--that God is sovereign over me as well as you--we're not conveying the example of faith and trust in God that He is going to work out the details in our lives and the lives of our children.
On the permissive side, a lack of obedience to God is a lack of following through on instructions that God has given to us. It is still important for us to balance the authority and the humility. On the one hand, we are to humble ourselves before God and submit ourselves to Him and His authority. On the other hand, we are also to recognise our authority that He has given to us in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
We want our children to see ourselves as something of an authority figure in their lives. The Fifth Commandment is "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." (Exodus 20:12) When our children miss that and don't see ourselves as God's appointed authority in their lives, then there is a problem. Often times they don't see us as authority in their lives because we are not submitting ourselves to God's authority.
Do we teach our children to obey or do we teach our children to believe in Jesus? If we are constantly introducing obedience to them and enforcing obedience and teaching them to follow through on these chores and teaching them the Law of God that "You are to obey your daddy and mommy, and you are to follow through on these chores", the concern is that you are going to turn them into legalists, that somehow they are going to be work-oriented in their thinking and they'll miss out on the message of grace and the importance of faith in Jesus.
You don't teach one over the other or one before the other.
The answer is, we teach them both. We teach them faith and works at the same time. We teach them the Law of God--that when they disobey mommy and daddy, they break God's Law. Reemphasise the point that there is a problem with all of us that we can't be good and by nature, we tend to do that which is wrong. That's why Jesus came. Tell them that this is why the Lord Jesus came all the way down here to this earth and He had to go to the cross and He took the nails in His hands and feet and died on that cross for your sins and my sins. Praise the Lord for that.
We come back to this message of salvation and we encourage them to trust in Christ who died on that cross for our sins. And yet we point out their problem. The rod is a matter of correction. It points out their weaknesses. But the rod cannot make them good. The rod cannot cleanse them from their sins. The rod can only give them a little of external obedience at points but ultimately the message of the rod, rebuke, correction is the message the reminds them that they have come short of the glory of God. They are just incapable of following through on God's rules unless Jesus steps in and saves them from their sins. We continually teach them this message of faith and at the same time we teach them the message of the Law of God.
At some point we pray that by God's grace, they've received Him in faith and they love the Lord Jesus and they are keeping the Commandments of God but we find that there's a fairly regular repetition of this message. By God's grace, they'll increasingly obey by heart the things they have learned. That's the end goal of the disciple and training in the nurture of Jesus.
Think about our own lives. We need the grace of God every day. We need to trust in Christ each day. As we come back to the cross, we realise more and more the love and grace of God for us. Our response is to love Him and to keep His Commandments. It is coming to the cross and realising the depth, the breath and the width of the love of God for us at the cross that increases our love for Him and then our love for Him responds in obedience. The cross of Christ is central to all of these. Our response is we love Him because He first loved us. And by loving Him, we will keep His Commandments.
On the one end, we might want to shepherd our children's hearts. On the other end, we might want to focus on shepherding their hands or outward behaviour. It's both ends. We want to train our children to be polite, to follow through on their chores and to speak rightly to mommy and daddy. These are the externals. On the other end, we want to be sure that our children's hearts are being nurtured and they're obeying their parents from the heart. It is a working the heart and working the hand at the same time. There is a tendency in parenting to focus on the externals and that's a mistake.
If we're so focused on polishing the outside, what you find is that the inside can be full of dead man's bones and full of sort of this green goo. The end result, of course, is catastrophic.
Certainly it is sharing the gospel with them, understanding their heart issues, communicating at a heart level with them, getting down to the root of the very heart issues, turning to Christ and seeking His salvation. And also crying out and praying for the Holy Spirit of God to be working on the inside of our children even as we are working on the outside.
We focus on the externals because God wants us to. Even in correction, we are teaching. The idea that correction is punishment is a rejected idea.
So what are we teaching? We are teaching the principles of God's Word. We are teaching them honour, respect and love for others.
The problem comes in when we disconnect the externals from the biblical principles. Families have the right and responsibility to apply the principles of honour, kindness and love in their children's lives.
Don't separate out the external applications from the principles. If you do that, your children will rebel in their teenage years because they are not going to see the Word, authority and principles of God connected to the application that you are choosing in your home.
Moreover don't separate out the Law of God and the principles of God's Word from the grace of God and the salvation that Jesus brings us and the necessity of faith and believing in Jesus in order that we can better love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. And love our neighbours like ourselves and interact with each other with respect and honour. Separating the grace of God from the Law of God and separating faith and works in our children's minds, lives and nurture that becomes the problem.
Proverbs 6:20-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
20 My son, keep your father’s command,
And do not forsake the law of your mother.
21 Bind them continually upon your heart;
Tie them around your neck.
There are really the parents' applications of the Laws and Commandments of God to their own lives. And mommy and daddy will apply their best guess in the application of God's Word in their children's lives in terms of the choice of music, dress, manners and approaches to communication around the home. Don't be afraid of bringing some applications but be sure that you apply the principles of God's Word to the discussions.
We're all about relationships. We're not about rules. Some churches have really been about rules, and not about relationships. People who have been raised in that theological construct react against that environment of rules but there's so little of love and relationships.
They move into another theological construct where they're all about relationships, and not about rules. God is all about relationships. He's not about rules.
The problem with that is that God tells us in the Old and Testaments, "I want you to love Me and keep My Commandments. He who lives Me will keep My Commandments." We see this in the ministry of Jesus and in the ministry of the apostles.
Theologically, the Word of God tells us the importance of relationships and rules. They are both essential. It is the separation out of the rules and relationships that we begin to see problems developing, especially in the training of our children.
Love provides the basis by which rules may be properly understood, received and implemented in our children's lives. On the part of parents, they need to absolutely know and love their children and to have a good relationship and really solid communication with their children. On the other hand, there is a need for some rules in that relationship as well.
God has given us rules and He has given us relationships. He's loved us and He's given us His Commandments and He expects us to love Him and keep His Commandments. That's the way it works in the family too.
Philippians 2:13 New King James Version (NKJV)
13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
It is God who makes His will. It is God who works in us in order that we both will and do for His good pleasure. We don't break the will of our children in discipline.
What does the God's Word say about discipline? Certainly the use of a rod is important. As Christians, we need to to go the Word of God and realise that the rod is a teaching tool. God uses it on us.
Hebrews 12:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
It is only as a teaching tool, and not to break the will of our children and not to absolutely programme our children to a certain form or behaviour. The rod has its role to teach us the concept of right and wrong. Sometimes it teaches somewhat better than a rebuke. But it does involve grace to come alongside to teach the gospel in the use of the rod as well.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
The Hebrew word for "diligently" is shânan which means sharpening a sword. It is a repetitive shaping that happens in the day to day, line upon line, precept upon precept instruction of the Word of God upon our lives. It is the constant nurturing and planting of seeds and reminding our children of the Law and grace of God, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. We don't always know when our children's hearts are regenerated. As parents, you need to be faithful farmers to plant those seeds and one day you'll realise there's been an amazing work of grace in our children's lives. Their hearts have been changed and they have a sensitivity to their sins and they're walking increasingly in the Spirit and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit.
Teach your children early. Get right onto any opportunity to correct them or to teach them concerning certain aspects of God's Word. There is a tendency for certain sins to grow in a family (eg. complaining, slothfulness, disorder between mommy and daddy). If we're not on our game, those little weeds can grow into gigantic plants that are hard to pull out because you haven't been consistent and early in the correction and the teaching.
Ultimately it is God who changes the hearts. God shifts the will to will and to do according to His good pleasure.
Copyright 2018 CHEC & Generations | All Rights Reserved
23-10-2018
The formula to biblical parenting is to get down on your knees and lift up your face to the Lord and cry out to the top of your lungs: "Jesus help me, Jesus help me!“
It is the grace of God that produces a tremendous amount of grace from generation to generation.
The most important thing is prayer.
By God's grace, He steps in and He salvaged and blessed.
It is reliance on God and living a life of prayer and looking to Him and His blessings follow.
It is a life of faith and a prayer of faith. It is getting out of the boat and letting go of the edge of the boat and start walking on water and receiving the wisdom of God and the Holy Spirit of God in making our own decisions relating to the individual discipleship needs of our children. You can't just bring every child down to a formula or a recipe. The Holy Spirit of God must do that.
The idea of assuming that everything's fine and that our children are Christians as early as two or three years of age or the idea of being really freaked out, worried, anxious and concerned show a lack of faith.
What God commands for us is to raise our children in the faith. God loves faith. Anybody that comes to Him must come in faith and believe that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him in faith. We must be seeking Him that He will reward us in the raising of our children with that faith.
But we ourselves need to come to him in faith. The entire parenting life is a life of faith. It is a life of obedience to God in applying the principles that He laid out in His woodwork day by day in the lives of our children and believing all the while that He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him in the raising of His children.
On the one hand, we should not be presumptuous. On the other hand, let's not be anxious. Let's just move ahead in faith and believe that God will reward us in the years to come. Be obedient to God, teach them God's Word, plant the seeds on a daily basis and believe that one day, He will bring forth the increase.
RELATED: THE END GAME: RAISING CHILDREN TO SEEK GOD'S KINGDOM FIRST
Proverbs 22:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
[a]And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Acts 2:39 New King James Version (NKJV)
39 For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call.”
We want to believe that that promise is not only extended to us, it is also extended to our children.
The same promise was given to Abraham in Genesis 17 that this promise is "to you and to your seed."
That is passed along to us by the Apostle Peter as he comes out of the gate in the new covenant's presentation.
God's ministry of grace extends itself into the generations.
We need to see this as normative, especially under the new covenant. It's really interesting how the promise comes in Joel 2 that even our own children will prophesy. In Malachi 4 and 5, after all this discontinuity of faith from generations to generations in the Old Testament where we see how Eli's sons, Samuel's sons and David's sons rebelled, we find that the hearts of the children turned to their fathers, and the fathers to their children in this new covenant age, especially with the outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God.
We should hold on to these promises by faith and expect the blessings of God upon the work that we are doing in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That seems to be the thrust of these promises that come through prophecy and the promises reiterated by Peter in Acts 2.
If we understand the theology of the Word of God and the teachings in terms of the theological mistakes that we can make, and we get our theology right, that can really help us in providing the guard rails to keep us on the straight and narrow, and to raise our children in a proper way. The Word does tell fathers, especially, to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
When people don't pay special attention to this and they don't take up responsibilities that God has laid up for us by His grace in moving ahead in faith and relying upon the Holy Spirit of God along the way, the consequences are dire.
According to James Dobson's latest newsletter, only 4 percent of millennials now maintain even the slightest semblance of a biblical worldview or perspective from their parents or from the discipleship that they are receiving from their families and churches. 96 percent of millennials now believe there are no absolutes so they have basically given up on the basics of a Christian worldview.
That means that the Christian faith is dying out even in this generation to a greater extent. It is really sad.
But it can be stopped if parents take on the responsibility to teach their children God's Word. If they can catch this vision, we are going to see a better result in the next generation. It's so central and it's been largely ignored by the Christian population.
On the one hand, we might become too permissive where we're not really working with our children through the various areas of their lives--in teaching them, exhorting them, rebuking them and correcting them when they need to be corrected--and we're just letting it go. On the other hand, we might give way to some control, freaky tendencies where we want to control our children and be sure that the end result is according to what we have predetermined.
But the end results are always in the hands of God. We maintain a solid commitment to the sovereignty of God. We believe that God is in control and that the Holy Spirit of God is absolutely essential in the working of the inside of our children's hearts to do the regenerating work and renew their hearts and lives in order that they would love God and love their neighbour and their siblings.
It is a responsibility by not giving way to that control freak parent. To a great extent, anger is a result of not really trusting in the sovereignty and goodness of God in bringing out the good effects of our children's lives.
In giving way to the control freaky thing, we're turning ourselves into some kind of a sovereign lord over their lives and their hearts. When we convey the message that we are not training them according to the true and living God--that God is sovereign over me as well as you--we're not conveying the example of faith and trust in God that He is going to work out the details in our lives and the lives of our children.
On the permissive side, a lack of obedience to God is a lack of following through on instructions that God has given to us. It is still important for us to balance the authority and the humility. On the one hand, we are to humble ourselves before God and submit ourselves to Him and His authority. On the other hand, we are also to recognise our authority that He has given to us in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
We want our children to see ourselves as something of an authority figure in their lives. The Fifth Commandment is "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." (Exodus 20:12) When our children miss that and don't see ourselves as God's appointed authority in their lives, then there is a problem. Often times they don't see us as authority in their lives because we are not submitting ourselves to God's authority.
Do we teach our children to obey or do we teach our children to believe in Jesus? If we are constantly introducing obedience to them and enforcing obedience and teaching them to follow through on these chores and teaching them the Law of God that "You are to obey your daddy and mommy, and you are to follow through on these chores", the concern is that you are going to turn them into legalists, that somehow they are going to be work-oriented in their thinking and they'll miss out on the message of grace and the importance of faith in Jesus.
You don't teach one over the other or one before the other.
The answer is, we teach them both. We teach them faith and works at the same time. We teach them the Law of God--that when they disobey mommy and daddy, they break God's Law. Reemphasise the point that there is a problem with all of us that we can't be good and by nature, we tend to do that which is wrong. That's why Jesus came. Tell them that this is why the Lord Jesus came all the way down here to this earth and He had to go to the cross and He took the nails in His hands and feet and died on that cross for your sins and my sins. Praise the Lord for that.
We come back to this message of salvation and we encourage them to trust in Christ who died on that cross for our sins. And yet we point out their problem. The rod is a matter of correction. It points out their weaknesses. But the rod cannot make them good. The rod cannot cleanse them from their sins. The rod can only give them a little of external obedience at points but ultimately the message of the rod, rebuke, correction is the message the reminds them that they have come short of the glory of God. They are just incapable of following through on God's rules unless Jesus steps in and saves them from their sins. We continually teach them this message of faith and at the same time we teach them the message of the Law of God.
At some point we pray that by God's grace, they've received Him in faith and they love the Lord Jesus and they are keeping the Commandments of God but we find that there's a fairly regular repetition of this message. By God's grace, they'll increasingly obey by heart the things they have learned. That's the end goal of the disciple and training in the nurture of Jesus.
Think about our own lives. We need the grace of God every day. We need to trust in Christ each day. As we come back to the cross, we realise more and more the love and grace of God for us. Our response is to love Him and to keep His Commandments. It is coming to the cross and realising the depth, the breath and the width of the love of God for us at the cross that increases our love for Him and then our love for Him responds in obedience. The cross of Christ is central to all of these. Our response is we love Him because He first loved us. And by loving Him, we will keep His Commandments.
On the one end, we might want to shepherd our children's hearts. On the other end, we might want to focus on shepherding their hands or outward behaviour. It's both ends. We want to train our children to be polite, to follow through on their chores and to speak rightly to mommy and daddy. These are the externals. On the other end, we want to be sure that our children's hearts are being nurtured and they're obeying their parents from the heart. It is a working the heart and working the hand at the same time. There is a tendency in parenting to focus on the externals and that's a mistake.
If we're so focused on polishing the outside, what you find is that the inside can be full of dead man's bones and full of sort of this green goo. The end result, of course, is catastrophic.
Certainly it is sharing the gospel with them, understanding their heart issues, communicating at a heart level with them, getting down to the root of the very heart issues, turning to Christ and seeking His salvation. And also crying out and praying for the Holy Spirit of God to be working on the inside of our children even as we are working on the outside.
We focus on the externals because God wants us to. Even in correction, we are teaching. The idea that correction is punishment is a rejected idea.
So what are we teaching? We are teaching the principles of God's Word. We are teaching them honour, respect and love for others.
The problem comes in when we disconnect the externals from the biblical principles. Families have the right and responsibility to apply the principles of honour, kindness and love in their children's lives.
Don't separate out the external applications from the principles. If you do that, your children will rebel in their teenage years because they are not going to see the Word, authority and principles of God connected to the application that you are choosing in your home.
Moreover don't separate out the Law of God and the principles of God's Word from the grace of God and the salvation that Jesus brings us and the necessity of faith and believing in Jesus in order that we can better love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. And love our neighbours like ourselves and interact with each other with respect and honour. Separating the grace of God from the Law of God and separating faith and works in our children's minds, lives and nurture that becomes the problem.
Proverbs 6:20-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
20 My son, keep your father’s command,
And do not forsake the law of your mother.
21 Bind them continually upon your heart;
Tie them around your neck.
There are really the parents' applications of the Laws and Commandments of God to their own lives. And mommy and daddy will apply their best guess in the application of God's Word in their children's lives in terms of the choice of music, dress, manners and approaches to communication around the home. Don't be afraid of bringing some applications but be sure that you apply the principles of God's Word to the discussions.
We're all about relationships. We're not about rules. Some churches have really been about rules, and not about relationships. People who have been raised in that theological construct react against that environment of rules but there's so little of love and relationships.
They move into another theological construct where they're all about relationships, and not about rules. God is all about relationships. He's not about rules.
The problem with that is that God tells us in the Old and Testaments, "I want you to love Me and keep My Commandments. He who lives Me will keep My Commandments." We see this in the ministry of Jesus and in the ministry of the apostles.
Theologically, the Word of God tells us the importance of relationships and rules. They are both essential. It is the separation out of the rules and relationships that we begin to see problems developing, especially in the training of our children.
Love provides the basis by which rules may be properly understood, received and implemented in our children's lives. On the part of parents, they need to absolutely know and love their children and to have a good relationship and really solid communication with their children. On the other hand, there is a need for some rules in that relationship as well.
God has given us rules and He has given us relationships. He's loved us and He's given us His Commandments and He expects us to love Him and keep His Commandments. That's the way it works in the family too.
Philippians 2:13 New King James Version (NKJV)
13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
It is God who makes His will. It is God who works in us in order that we both will and do for His good pleasure. We don't break the will of our children in discipline.
What does the God's Word say about discipline? Certainly the use of a rod is important. As Christians, we need to to go the Word of God and realise that the rod is a teaching tool. God uses it on us.
Hebrews 12:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
It is only as a teaching tool, and not to break the will of our children and not to absolutely programme our children to a certain form or behaviour. The rod has its role to teach us the concept of right and wrong. Sometimes it teaches somewhat better than a rebuke. But it does involve grace to come alongside to teach the gospel in the use of the rod as well.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
The Hebrew word for "diligently" is shânan which means sharpening a sword. It is a repetitive shaping that happens in the day to day, line upon line, precept upon precept instruction of the Word of God upon our lives. It is the constant nurturing and planting of seeds and reminding our children of the Law and grace of God, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. We don't always know when our children's hearts are regenerated. As parents, you need to be faithful farmers to plant those seeds and one day you'll realise there's been an amazing work of grace in our children's lives. Their hearts have been changed and they have a sensitivity to their sins and they're walking increasingly in the Spirit and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit.
Teach your children early. Get right onto any opportunity to correct them or to teach them concerning certain aspects of God's Word. There is a tendency for certain sins to grow in a family (eg. complaining, slothfulness, disorder between mommy and daddy). If we're not on our game, those little weeds can grow into gigantic plants that are hard to pull out because you haven't been consistent and early in the correction and the teaching.
Ultimately it is God who changes the hearts. God shifts the will to will and to do according to His good pleasure.
Copyright 2018 CHEC & Generations | All Rights Reserved
The Bad News & Good News About Guilt & Shame
Sis. Chiu Hea Hills
21-10-2018
Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably. They are like twins but they are not identical.
Guilt and shame both make us feel bad.
They were both born in the Garden of Eden as a result of sin. Genesis 2 is the story of how God made Eve out of the ribs of Adam. And when He brought her to Adam, Adam just went into this wonderful praise: bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23) He felt so close and intimate to her like she was really part of him.
And that chapter ends with this one sentence: Adam and his wife were naked and unashamed. (Genesis 2:25)
The word unashamed appeared as a harbinger or foreshadow of what was going to happen next in chapter 3.
In chapter 3, Satan came to Eve and tempted her to eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Basically he was telling her that who she was was not enough. She might have been a bit naive and she wanted to have her eyes open so that she could become wise like God. She took it and have it to her husband to eat as well. As soon as that happened, their eyes were open and they realised they were naked and shame came into the picture for the first time ever. They were guilty of breaking God's law and within minutes shame came. So guilt and shame were born just minutes apart.
Obviously God gave us a capacity to feel these things. In Jeremiah, He said to the people of Israel, "Were they ashamed when they had committed abomination? No! They were not at all ashamed nor did they know how to blush.” (Jeremiah 6:15)
It turns out that being shameless is the problem.
Our shame was supposed to make us
come back to God and seek Him out.
In Hosea, God says, "I will return again to my place until they acknowledge their guilt and seek my face, and in their distress earnestly seek me." (Hosea 5:5)
Guilt and shame have this ability to make us miserable so that our misery drives us back to God.
Unfortunately, often it doesn't do that. It makes us go the other way.
But guilt and shame cause us to get disconnected from God and disconnected from each other. When Adam and Eve heard God coming in the Garden of Eden in the cool of the day, they covered themselves first with fig leaves and then they ran into the shadows of the trees to hide. (Genesis 3:8) The both of them hid behind the fog leaves and they hid behind the trees. And God came and looked for them and said, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:8) It was more of "Where are you in relationship with Me and with each other?"
Neuroscientists tell us that when shame descend into our brain, it causes our limbic system to cause us to do the fight or flight response. And Adam and Eve did both. First they ran and Adam actually came out looking to pick a fight when God asked him," Did you eat from this tree?" Instead of a simple yes, he confessed what he did and said, "The woman that You put here with me..." He was blaming Eve and God. (Genesis 3:12)
Right away, shame makes us very defensive and we start blaming people.
What was it like for Eve to stand in the presence of her husband and hearing him talk about her as a woman? It's so cold. It's like pushing her to the other side and say, "You're not with me anymore. We're not on the same team. You are now my opponent."
Right away you see the tearing away of their intimacy and their union. Sin always causes us to separate from people, to blaming and to running and hiding. It separates God from His people and also from ourselves because shame makes us really dislike ourselves. When you hate somebody, you don't want to spend time with them. People who are guilty and ashamed, they become very alienated from their own self. They don't want to spend time alone in reflecting and being close to themselves and knowing themselves. They just want to run by being distracted and busy and so on and so forth.
Guilt and shame always disconnects in three ways.
What are the main differences?
1) Guilt and shame have a different voice.
Guilt: "I did something bad."
Shame: "I am bad."
Guilt: "I made a mistake."
Shame: "I am a mistake."
Guilt is really about something you did. It's your behaviour.
Shame is about who you are and the core of what you believe about yourself.
Examine yourself. How do you talk to yourself when you made a mistake?
2) Guilt can be very helpful. When you feel guilty about something, it is actually very motivating. It motivates you to go back and apologise, to confess to God and apologise to the person you did something wrong to, and fix it, make it right. It motivates us to clean up before God.
Shame often makes us run and hide in the shadow. It makes it worse. We get stuck and feel we are a bad person. Shame is like that monster that grows in the darkness and the darkness actually makes it grow bigger. But when you put it in the light, the monster starts to shrink, like radiation therapy.
Shame is highly correlated to depression, suicide, bullying, aggression, eating disorders and addictions.
Shame is really disruptive.
3) Guilt is localised. When you do something wrong, the guilty person is the one that feels guilty.
On the other hand, shame is contagious. You may have done nothing wrong but you feel shame because the person's wrongdoing affect you. For example, childhood sexual abuse victims. Shame is more destructive than guilt.
Every human being experiences shame. When you are actually experiencing guilt and shame, that's a good thing because you're not a sociopath.
Shame is like a feeling that we have before. This feeling can come and go. The problem is when the feeling of shame comes, it doesn't go and it just stays. This is known as shame-based or - bound identity. For example, when you describe a person as an angry man, it's as though he is always angry and it's part of his personality and identity.
Causes of shame:
John Bradshaw in his book "Healing The Shame That Binds You" talks about how shame can be cultivated by families who are performance-based, perfectionistic, very critical and use a lot of comparisons to motivate their children.
Performance-based is basically: "You are only valued as a child by what you do. You're not really loved for who you are but for your performance, accomplishments and achievements." I'm some ways, performance-based families can produce very successful children because they are all striving to get the love and attention of their parents.
Perfectionism is a big problem. If you value only what you do, then you want to look perfect and you want to do everything perfectly so nobody can blame you or put you down or make you feel small. These families will always look to criticise and blame and finding fault and using words that are always shaming like "Useless, idiot, stupid. Can't you do anything right?" They really know how to make you feel small and inferior. This is very Asian.
Toxic shame is not only destructive but also poisonous.
Toxic shame can arise from neglect, abandonment, abuse and adoption.
We are created for relationship and
connection. Neuroscientists say our brains are hard-wired so seek connection.
This same experiment had been done with people of all ages, including
four-month old baby. The result is always the same. When the connection is
broken, that person really desperately tries to get attention back. As far as
the brain is concerned, the physical pain and emotional pain of rejection is
the same. When we are hurt emotionally, it is almost genuinely physically
painful. Continuous neglect and lack of attention can produce an identity based
on shame.
According to John Bradshaw, toxic shame is true agony. This pain is felt from the inside--the core of your being. He knows this because of his background of childhood sexual abuse.
Consequences of shame:
1) People-pleasing
2)
Envy
3)
Gossip
4)
Co-dependency
5)
Staying invisible
6)
Pride and arrogance
7)
Criticism and blame
8)
Addictions
Learn how to comfort ourselves when we feel pain. Comfort in a way that is healthy.
Shame is the thing that drives you to addiction. But when you do the things that make you feel better, you feel more shame. When you feel more shame, you reach for the things that make you feel better which is the drug again. This is how the shame cycle makes the addiction go deeper and deeper. But this shame has to be healed.
Like Adam and Eve, we also have our own fig leaves. Meaning, we come up with strategies to cover up the shame that we feel. For example, being driven by accomplishments at the cost of relationships. Or social avoidance. Or trophies (eg. pushing children to succeed because it makes the parents look better). Or masks (you pretend to be somebody you are really not).
The good news?
Brené Brown spent six years studying shame and doing research about shame. One day she looked at her data and discovered that the one essential ingredient to wholehearted living is vulnerability. She had a mental breakdown.
In the world today, people are so
hungry for real relationships and to know and to be known who you really are.
If we are behind the mask, we can never have a genuine heart to heart
connection. Remember, we are created for that real connection.
"The intention and outcome of vulnerability is trust, intimacy and connection. The outcome of oversharing is distrust, disconnection - and usually a little judgment."
-
Brené Brown
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage."
-
Brené Brown
"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive."
-
Brené Brown
"If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive."
-
Brené Brown
In his research entitled Disclosure of traumas and health among Holocaust survivors, James W. Pennebaker discovered that the survivors health actually goes down if they do not share their stories with somebody. But when they can confide in somebody, their immune system went up, visits to the doctors went down, their cortisol level and stress level also went down.
There is actually a health benefit to not suppressing your shame.
The way out of shame is not into hiding, covering with the fig leaves and running to the shadows. It is running towards people.
For us, it is also running to God. We have the capacity for guilt and shame. Turn towards God and find our hiding place in Him.
Matthew 23:37-39 New King James Version (NKJV)
Jesus
Laments over Jerusalem
37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and
stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children
together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not
willing! 38 See! Your house is left to you desolate; 39 for I say to you, you shall
see Me no more till you say, ‘Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!’
”
Mark 14:32-36 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Prayer in the Garden
32 Then they came to a place which was named Gethsemane; and He
said to His disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” 33 And He took Peter, James,
and John with Him, and He began to be troubled and deeply distressed. 34 Then
He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here
and watch.”
35 He went a little farther, and fell on the ground, and prayed that if it were possible, the hour might pass from Him. 36 And He said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will.”
Jesus showed us the way how to be vulnerable. He was perfect. But He was not afraid to show His weakness. Jesus wept several times. He's not afraid to cry in front of people. We can really shut down our tears but Jesus modelled a way for us. Out of our pain, he wept.
Jesus was not afraid of asking for
help. Asking for help doesn't mean you are needy; it means you are human. And
Jesus showed us the way to lean on our friends when He was going through a very
hard time.
God meant for us to connect when we
are in pain, to run to Him and to run to people.
Sometimes it's not so easy. The
psalmist who wrote Psalm 32 was dealing with unconfessed sin.
Psalm 32:3 New International
Version (NIV)
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning
all day long.
Psalm 32:3 New International
Version (NIV)
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up
my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to
the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
God knows this about us that when
we don't confess our sins, it will affect our medical health. It will make us
feel exhausted and drained.
Try this and see what happens. If
there is somebody that you feel you owe an apology to, try this experiment.
Have the courage to write them a text message. See how that makes you feel
afterwards. You'll feel so much lighter.
This is us. We make messes every
day. Put some energy into cleaning up. Take the courage to apologise and you'll
see how much lighter you feel and how much more energy you feel.
James 5:14-15 New International
Version (NIV)
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let
them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil
in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick
person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be
forgiven.
Pray for each other so that you may
be healed. This is also another connection that physical healing and
unconfessed sin go hand in hand.
I would love to see more of this
happening in the church.
This confession happens a lot in addiction
and recovery community.
We need to have the courage to look
at the wrong things we have done. We go the person that we had injured and we
make amends with them whenever possible.
Be real with people. It's not worth
it to have so many superficial relationships. We are made be known and to know.
And to have genuine relationships. And it makes us come alive. Just like the
baby. But when we have this connection because of our masks and fig leaves,
it's such a huge loss of joy in life.
The song You Are My Hiding Place
starts with:
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Psalm 32:7 New International
Version (NIV)
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me
from trouble
and surround me with
songs of deliverance.
Lo and behold! This is the same
psalmist who wrote "When I didn't confess my sin, my bones are wasted
away."
This is in the context of someone
struggling with guilt and unconfessed sin. God wants us to run to Him. He is
our hiding place. He is our safest hiding place.
Romans 8:1 New International
Version (NIV)
Life Through the Spirit
8 Therefore, there is now no
condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
We see this in Jesus in how He
dealt with the woman that was caught in bed with a man who was not her husband.
She was caught for adultery, was brought before Jesus and was condemned by
everyone.
John 8:7-11 New International
Version (NIV)
7 When they kept on questioning him,
he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be
the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the
ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to
go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with
the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman,
where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,”
Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
This is Jesus. "I do not
condemn you. Go. And sin no more."
It is safe to run to God. There is
no condemnation.
1 John 3:20 New International
Version (NIV)
20 If our hearts condemn us, we know
that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
We are accepted into the beloved.
God gives us a covering of grace. Right from the beginning, He asked,
"Give Me your fig leaves. I have something better to give you." In
time, God became a tailor. He made a much better outfit for them.
Genesis 3:21 New International
Version (NIV)
21 The Lord God made garments of
skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.
He covered their shame. Even that
is gracious.
God punished Adam and Eve by
sending them out of the Garden of Eden but He sent them out so that they would
not take from the tree of life. He didn't want them to live forever in a
sinful, fallen state. He would make another way for them to live forever with
Him, not in a fallen state but, in a redeemed state. Even when He was punishing
Adam and Eve, there was plenty of grace in that.
Another story of grace is the
prodigal son where Jesus gave this story to illustrate God's heart for the
people who have been shamed. The prodigal son told his father, "I can't
wait for you to die. I just want your money so that I can go and have my
life." It is very dishonouring and hurtful. He went on and have his crazy
life and ended up in the pigsty. He returned and you see how the father ran
towards him. In the Middle East, older men never run. But this older man ran.
He lowered his dignity. He dishonoured himself in the face of society by
running towards his son in order to honour his son.
Our Father is so good. When we are
covered in all our sin and shame and we return towards Him, not only does He
wait for us, He runs towards us. This is the picture that Jesus painted. God is
so eager to reconnect with us.
Finally, the identity makeover. The
core of shame is a shamed identity (worthless, unworthy, not loveable etc). God
is saying, "Your identity is in Me. You are made in My image. You are
fearfully and wonderfully made. You are My handiwork. You are My poem."
We are hidden in Christ. We hide in
God. And because we are hidden in God, all of these things are true.
"You are chosen. You are
redeemed. You are dearly loved with the seal of the Holy Spirit. You are a
dwelling place. You are a temple of God. God will supply all your needs
according to the glorious riches in Christ."
When you are in shame, hang on to
these truths.
The question of your value is
settled at the Cross.
The Cross is the answer to our
guilt and shame. The Cross is saying that you are so valuable that you are
worth the death of Christ and you have been bought with that precious blood.
Jesus can take our shame and give
us a new identity. The woman who was so shameful and everyone called her an
immoral woman came to Christ's feet and wiped with her hair and anointed His
feet with perfume. Jesus gave her a new label. He said, "This was a woman
who loved much." Jesus changed her identity.
Hebrews 11:11 New International
Version (NIV)
11 And by faith even Sarah, who was
past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[a] considered
him faithful who had made the promise.
Was Sarah actually a woman of
faith? She actually did something very wrong and very sinful. She didn't really
believe that she was going to have a son so she offered Hagar to Abraham as a
second wife. God rewrote her history. God cancelled her sin and she is
remembered as a woman of faith. The people who are forgiven and come out of
deep shame make the best worshipers and the best lovers of God. When you
have hit the pits, your praise rises higher.
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