Getting to the Heart of Behaviour

Dr. Tedd & Margy Tripp
24-10-2018

Proverbs 4:23 New Heart English Bible
23 Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.

Luke 6:45 New King James Version (NKJV)
45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil [a]treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.


What the Scriptures make abundantly clear is that the problems we get into are not just problems of the fact that we've been doing the wrong thing. It's really even before that that's what's going on inside. It's those heart issues that we want to speak to with our kids.

So we're not just controlling and managing behaviour. We're really involved in the nurture of our children and helping them to understand their hearts and where that behavior that strays reflects a heart that strays. The key idea is that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

We tend to think of the heart equals emotions. But the Bible teaches that we think with our hearts. God flooded the world because He saw the thought of men's hearts was bent on evil continually. (Genesis 6:5) Things we think of in terms of interaction with other people is all heart driven.

Matthew 5:8 New King James Version (NKJV)
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.

Matthew 6:21 New King James Version (NKJV)
21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 5:21-22a New King James Version (NKJV)
Murder Begins in the Heart
21 “You have heard that it was said to those [a]of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother [b]without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.

Matthew 5:27-28 New King James Version (NKJV)
Adultery in the Heart
27 “You have heard that it was said [a]to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Jesus applies the law in terms of the heart. The focus of Christ's ministry again and again is everything flows from the heart.

We live in a world that is so superficial regarding everything. Behaviour and relationships are all focusing on externals. It is superficial because it never gets to what lies under what is said and done. The world is satisfied with that.

But as believers, we have a way of looking at the world, life and ourselves that is profoundly internal. The heart is important for that reason.

Proverbs 16:5a New King James Version (NKJV)
5 Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord;

As Christians, we have marvellous resources for understanding the heart because we have a Bible that is complete. It is everything we need for reprove, correction, instruction, righteousness. Things like pride rather than humility, or love of self rather than love for others, or anger rather than being a peacemaker, or rebellion rather than submission, or envy rather than a desire for the good of others, or covetousness rather than generosity of the heart, or self preservation rather than laying down my life.

As parents, develop a heart notebook with your kids. Fill it with the truth of God's Word about the heart.

Romans 12:19-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

God will take care of justice.

1 Peter 2:23-25 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness—by whose [a]stripes you were healed. 25 For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and [b]Overseer of your souls.

As husbands and wives, talk together and have the humility to be honest with one another. As for ourselves, seek the Lord and do that hard work.

Those are important ways to prepare ourselves to help children uncover, not to dictate, analyse or approach them. Rather, to lead them to an understanding of the things that motivate them. There is no more powerful way to get to the hearts of your children than to have the Spirit of God get to your heart.

For us as children of God, that foray into the heart always ends at the cross. That is where we want to take our children when they are trying to recognise, acknowledge and work on their own hearts. We always want to take them to the cross. If we have moved on to the cross as a result of understanding our motivations, it is a natural thing for us to take our children to the cross as well.

There is hope for us. There is grace for us. Because Christ lived in our world, our flesh and experienced all those stuff we're experiencing in this world.

We live in a culture and a world where people are islands and we don't get into anyone's personal space.

It's true in the families as well. How many families keep the peace by staying out of one another's way? They figure out what the trigger points are. That certainly happen in marriages a lot. And we can teach that to our children. It's messy, it's difficult, it requires humility, and it requires having your life consumed with a different mentality that is focused on what will make us like Christ and what will truly serve one another.

In 21st century culture, we're consumed with what will please me today and get me through my day and what will accomplish my agenda. This just decimates that whole mindset.

We have to realise that there are layers of heart issues. And sometimes we can identify pride as the face of what's going on in the heart. But often, underneath that pride is real insecurity rather than being okay with who they are in Christ.

Pray the prayer of Psalm 139.

Psalm 139:4 New King James Version (NKJV)
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

Psalm 139:23-24 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

Pray the Word of God because God's Word cleanses and purifies.

1 Peter 1:22-25 New King James Version (NKJV)
The Enduring Word
22 Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth [a]through the Spirit in [b]sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, 23 having been born again, not of [c]corruptible seed but [d]incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides [e]forever, 24 because

“All flesh is as grass,
And all [f]the glory of man as the flower of the grass.
The grass withers,
And its flower falls away,
25 But the [g]word of the Lord endures forever.”

Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.

The most powerful approach with our children is to begin with ourselves.

Hebrews 4:14-16 New International Version (NIV)
Jesus the Great High Priest
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

All of those passages that smack of that incarnation of the Lord Jesus Christ abiding with us are models for us of how to come alongside anyone in our world, and certainly our children, so that they are able to receive. We want our instructions to be Christ-like and as acceptable as we can. Where ever we can, use ourselves as an illustration of one who has struggled and who has overcome--not because of any good in us but--because we have access to the Lord Jesus Christ. Bring the Word of God to them.

James 3:13-18 New King James Version (NKJV)
Heavenly Versus Demonic Wisdom
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and [a]self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

(Peacemakers are harvesters of the fruit righteousness.)

God's truth is persuasive because the Spirit of God works through it. Bringing God's Word to kids is such a powerful thing.

Because parents that are very conscientious and intentional in raising their kids for the Lord are so focused on and so desperately want them to come to faith and to live out the goodness of a Christian life, it is very easy for us to be overbearing and sign on the dotted line and seal the deal and close the deal each time.

Try to commend our children for what we know is at the root of their hearts. For instance, "I know you love your brother. And this was a struggle, isn't it? Because you had a battle in your heart. You wanted to sit in the front seat with your grandpa. But I know you love your brother." It is always good to acknowledge and recognise that there are good desires in the hearts of our children. When our kids are in trouble, we tend to zero in with laser precision on their fault. Sometimes we do that in our marriage.

The other important issue is to remember why God brings discipline to us. He doesn't bring discipline to us in order to get His thumb on us and show that we did wrong and we're going to get it now. God's purpose in discipline is to make us holy. Acknowledge that to our children the reasons why this is so important is because we want them to come on the other side of this as a  person who is a more whole person. God's Word is powerful and true and God's Spirit is able to change us from the inside out. We need to think discipling when we think discipline. That changes the whole way we think about and interact with and go about the discipline process and moves us away from "Let's fix this problem" mentality to a broader vision that is, God's vision and purpose for us as His children, even in chastisement, is always to make us holy.

If our focus is changed behaviour, then we don't need the gospel for that. But if our focus is on what's going on inside, our only hope is the gospel. There is a God who is full of grace and power that can transform us internally because we are a fallen people, we are a fraud and we live in a broken world so we ourselves sin against others and we're sinned against, and there is hope for all that Christ came into our world and looked at the world through our eyes.

Hebrews 2:18 New King James Version (NKJV)
18 For in that He Himself has suffered, being [a]tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.

His experience of our lives in a broken world with simple people all around Him gives Him the capacity to help us, redemptively, in the midst of our struggles.

The more we are focused on the heart, the more we're drawn to the gospel because there is no other hope.

Behaviour is not going to get us there. It is like the icing on the cake.

With the gospel, we are the whole cake.

In a secular sense, behaviourism doesn't build character. Prizes create a more greedy child than when you started with. Punishments create antagonism and rebellion in the child. So it doesn't work long term.

Only believers have a world that's outside of that sensory world, an unseen world of spiritual reality where God exists and out of which we can interpret all of life. As believers, we have a doctrine of internal change. We have a reality that is in addition to the sensory world where we can accurately interpret the seen world by virtue of the unseen world.

Parents and authorities in our culture do not want to acknowledge their own shortcomings. It is a whole wrong view on authority. It is part of the world we live in.

Think about the people who inspire you the most. People who inspire you the most are the people who acknowledge their humanity and their fallenness. And they give you hope that you, like they, can know hope in Christ. Recognise the power of being people who have the humility to acknowledge their humanity and sinfulness because it creates a sense of oneness between you and the person you're trying to reach that will never be accomplished by standing over them with the law.

We have to see this as a process. In disarming rebellion, if we have teenagers who've hardened their hearts toward us and toward God, we have to start by acknowledging our own failures and welcoming them in respectful ways to tell us the ways that we have hurt them because that wall didn't blow up by accident. In many ways we created the wall. That doesn't mean we created the rebellion. They're responsible before God for their rebellion. But sometimes we get in the way of God working. So disarming rebellion comes about by talking to our children by being honest about our shortcomings, limitations and failures and even welcoming them to get it off of their chest in respectful ways. Start by saying, "I want to give you an opportunity to tell me the ways that I've made this difficult for you or the ways that I've hurt you." We do this together. Take as long for that process as needed. It is a process, and not an event.

And what happens is that we remove that sense of justification against us and our parenting methods and behaviourism. We open the way for hope in God. Many times we're what's in the way and we want to remove their sense of justification against us so that God's Spirit can work in those children who have become hardened against us. Since we're God's representatives, they've hardened their hearts against God as well. We can't defend ourselves based on our own good intentions.

We began opening the way for healing and relationships. Until our children feel understood, there's not going to be any healing.

Galatians 6:9 New King James Version (NKJV)
9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Stick with the Lord and He'll stick with you.

2 Peter 1:3-4a New King James Version (NKJV)
3 as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, 4 by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature,

We have endless resources in our Lord Jesus. God's Word speaks to every need in ourselves and in our home. God's Spirit is always there to open His Word to us if we'll seek Him.

Ephesians 3:20-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

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