Striking the Biblical Balances in Parenting

Pr Kevin Swanson
23-10-2018

The formula to biblical parenting is to get down on your knees and lift up your face to the Lord and cry out to the top of your lungs: "Jesus help me, Jesus help me!“

It is the grace of God that produces a tremendous amount of grace from generation to generation.

The most important thing is prayer.

By God's grace, He steps in and He salvaged and blessed.

It is reliance on God and living a life of prayer and looking to Him and His blessings follow.

It is a life of faith and a prayer of faith. It is getting out of the boat and letting go of the edge of the boat and start walking on water and receiving the wisdom of God and the Holy Spirit of God in making our own decisions relating to the individual discipleship needs of our children. You can't just bring every child down to a formula or a recipe. The Holy Spirit of God must do that.

The idea of assuming that everything's fine and that our children are Christians as early as two or three years of age or the idea of being really freaked out, worried, anxious and concerned show a lack of faith.

What God commands for us is to raise our children in the faith. God loves faith. Anybody that comes to Him must come in faith and believe that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him in faith. We must be seeking Him that He will reward us in the raising of our children with that faith.

But we ourselves need to come to him in faith. The entire parenting life is a life of faith. It is a life of obedience to God in applying the principles that He laid out in His woodwork day by day in the lives of our children and believing all the while that He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him in the raising of His children.

On the one hand, we should not be presumptuous. On the other hand, let's not be anxious. Let's just move ahead in faith and believe that God will reward us in the years to come. Be obedient to God, teach them God's Word, plant the seeds on a daily basis and believe that one day, He will bring forth the increase.

RELATED: THE END GAME: RAISING CHILDREN TO SEEK GOD'S KINGDOM FIRST

Proverbs 22:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
[a]And when he is old he will not depart from it.

Acts 2:39 New King James Version (NKJV)
39 For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call.”

We want to believe that that promise is not only extended to us, it is also extended to our children.

The same promise was given to Abraham in Genesis 17 that this promise is "to you and to your seed."

That is passed along to us by the Apostle Peter as he comes out of the gate in the new covenant's presentation.

God's ministry of grace extends itself into the generations.

We need to see this as normative, especially under the new covenant. It's really interesting how the promise comes in Joel 2 that even our own children will prophesy. In Malachi 4 and 5, after all this discontinuity of faith from generations to generations in the Old Testament where we see how Eli's sons, Samuel's sons and David's sons rebelled, we find that the hearts of the children turned to their fathers, and the fathers to their children in this new covenant age, especially with the outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God.


We should hold on to these promises by faith and expect the blessings of God upon the work that we are doing in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That seems to be the thrust of these promises that come through prophecy and the promises reiterated by Peter in Acts 2.

If we understand the theology of the Word of God and the teachings in terms of the theological mistakes that we can make, and we get our theology right, that can really help us in providing the guard rails to keep us on the straight and narrow, and to raise our children in a proper way. The Word does tell fathers, especially, to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

When people don't pay special attention to this and they don't take up responsibilities that God has laid up for us by His grace in moving ahead in faith and relying upon the Holy Spirit of God along the way, the consequences are dire.

According to James Dobson's latest newsletter, only 4 percent of millennials now maintain even the slightest semblance of a biblical worldview or perspective from their parents or from the discipleship that they are receiving from their families and churches. 96 percent of millennials now believe there are no absolutes so they have basically given up on the basics of a Christian worldview.

That means that the Christian faith is dying out even in this generation to a greater extent. It is really sad.

But it can be stopped if parents take on the responsibility to teach their children God's Word. If they can catch this vision, we are going to see a better result in the next generation. It's so central and it's been largely ignored by the Christian population.

On the one hand, we might become too permissive where we're not really working with our children through the various areas of their lives--in teaching them, exhorting them, rebuking them and correcting them when they need to be corrected--and we're just letting it go. On the other hand, we might give way to some control, freaky tendencies where we want to control our children and be sure that the end result is according to what we have predetermined.

But the end results are always in the hands of God. We maintain a solid commitment to the sovereignty of God. We believe that God is in control and that the Holy Spirit of God is absolutely essential in the working of the inside of our children's hearts to do the regenerating work and renew their hearts and lives in order that they would love God and love their neighbour and their siblings.

It is a responsibility by not giving way to that control freak parent. To a great extent, anger is a result of not really trusting in the sovereignty and goodness of God in bringing out the good effects of our children's lives.

In giving way to the control freaky thing, we're turning ourselves into some kind of a sovereign lord over their lives and their hearts. When we convey the message that we are not training them according to the true and living God--that God is sovereign over me as well as you--we're not conveying the example of faith and trust in God that He is going to work out the details in our lives and the lives of our children.

On the permissive side, a lack of obedience to God is a lack of following through on instructions that God has given to us. It is still important for us to balance the authority and the humility. On the one hand, we are to humble ourselves before God and submit ourselves to Him and His authority. On the other hand, we are also to recognise our authority that He has given to us in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

We want our children to see ourselves as something of an authority figure in their lives. The Fifth Commandment is "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." (Exodus 20:12) When our children miss that and don't see ourselves as God's appointed authority in their lives, then there is a problem. Often times they don't see us as authority in their lives because we are not submitting ourselves to God's authority.

Do we teach our children to obey or do we teach our children to believe in Jesus? If we are constantly introducing obedience to them and enforcing obedience and teaching them to follow through on these chores and teaching them the Law of God that "You are to obey your daddy and mommy, and you are to follow through on these chores", the concern is that you are going to turn them into legalists, that somehow they are going to be work-oriented in their thinking and they'll miss out on the message of grace and the importance of faith in Jesus.

You don't teach one over the other or one before the other.

The answer is, we teach them both. We teach them faith and works at the same time. We teach them the Law of God--that when they disobey mommy and daddy, they break God's Law. Reemphasise the point that there is a problem with all of us that we can't be good and by nature, we tend to do that which is wrong. That's why Jesus came. Tell them that this is why the Lord Jesus came all the way down here to this earth and He had to go to the cross and He took the nails in His hands and feet and died on that cross  for your sins and my sins. Praise the Lord for that.

We come back to this message of salvation and we encourage them to trust in Christ who died on that cross for our sins. And yet we point out their problem. The rod is a matter of correction. It points out their weaknesses. But the rod cannot make them good. The rod cannot cleanse them from their sins. The rod can only give them a little of external obedience at points but ultimately the message of the rod, rebuke, correction is the message the reminds them that they have come short of the glory of God. They are just incapable of following through on God's rules unless Jesus steps in and saves them from their sins. We continually teach them this message of faith and at the same time we teach them the message of the Law of God.

At some point we pray that by God's grace, they've received Him in faith and they love the Lord Jesus and they are keeping the Commandments of God but we find that there's a fairly regular repetition of this message. By God's grace, they'll increasingly obey by heart the things they have learned. That's the end goal of the disciple and training in the nurture of Jesus.

Think about our own lives. We need the grace of God every day. We need to trust in Christ each day. As we come back to the cross, we realise more and more the love and grace of God for us. Our response is to love Him and to keep His Commandments. It is coming to the cross and realising the depth, the breath and the width of the love of God for us at the cross that increases our love for Him and then our love for Him responds in obedience. The cross of Christ is central to all of these. Our response is we love Him because He first loved us. And by loving Him, we will keep His Commandments.

On the one end, we might want to shepherd our children's hearts. On the other end, we might want to focus on shepherding their hands or outward behaviour. It's both ends. We want to train our children to be polite, to follow through on their chores and to speak rightly to mommy and daddy. These are the externals. On the other end, we want to be sure that our children's hearts are being nurtured and they're obeying their parents from the heart. It is a working the heart and working the hand at the same time. There is a tendency in parenting to focus on the externals and that's a mistake.

If we're so focused on polishing the outside, what you find is that the inside can be full of dead man's bones and full of sort of this green goo. The end result, of course, is catastrophic.

Certainly it is sharing the gospel with them, understanding their heart issues, communicating at a heart level with them, getting down to the root of the very heart issues, turning to Christ and seeking His salvation. And also crying out and praying for the Holy Spirit of God to be working on the inside of our children even as we are working on the outside.

We focus on the externals because God wants us to. Even in correction, we are teaching. The idea that correction is punishment is a rejected idea.

So what are we teaching? We are teaching the principles of God's Word. We are teaching them honour, respect and love for others.

The problem comes in when we disconnect the externals from the biblical principles. Families have the right and responsibility to apply the principles of honour, kindness and love in their children's lives.

Don't separate out the external applications from the principles. If you do that, your children will rebel in their teenage years because they are not going to see the Word, authority and principles of God connected to the application that you are choosing in your home.

Moreover don't separate out the Law of God and the principles of God's Word from the grace of God and the salvation that Jesus brings us and the necessity of faith and believing in Jesus in order that we can better love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. And love our neighbours like ourselves and interact with each other with respect and honour. Separating the grace of God from the Law of God and separating faith and works in our children's minds, lives and nurture that becomes the problem.

Proverbs 6:20-21 New King James Version (NKJV)
20 My son, keep your father’s command,
And do not forsake the law of your mother.
21 Bind them continually upon your heart;
Tie them around your neck.

There are really the parents' applications of the Laws and Commandments of God to their own lives. And mommy and daddy will apply their best guess in the application of God's Word in their children's lives in terms of the choice of music, dress, manners and approaches to communication around the home. Don't be afraid of bringing some applications but be sure that you apply the principles of God's Word to the discussions.

We're all about relationships. We're not about rules. Some churches have really been about rules, and not about relationships. People who have been raised in that theological construct react against that environment of rules but there's so little of love and relationships.

They move into another theological construct where they're all about relationships, and not about rules. God is all about relationships. He's not about rules.

The problem with that is that God tells us in the Old and Testaments, "I want you to love Me and keep My Commandments. He who lives Me will keep My Commandments." We see this in the ministry of Jesus and in the ministry of the apostles.

Theologically, the Word of God tells us the importance of relationships and rules. They are both essential. It is the separation out of the rules and relationships that we begin to see problems developing, especially in the training of our children.

Love provides the basis by which rules may be properly understood, received and implemented in our children's lives. On the part of parents, they need to absolutely know and love their children and to have a good relationship and really solid communication with their children. On the other hand, there is a need for some rules in that relationship as well.

God has given us rules and He has given us relationships. He's loved us and He's given us His Commandments and He expects us to love Him and keep His Commandments. That's the way it works in the family too.

Philippians 2:13 New King James Version (NKJV)
13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

It is God who makes His will. It is God who works in us in order that we both will and do for His good pleasure. We don't break the will of our children in discipline.

What does the God's Word say about discipline? Certainly the use of a rod is important. As Christians, we need to to go the Word of God and realise that the rod is a teaching tool. God uses it on us.

Hebrews 12:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”

It is only as a teaching tool, and not to break the will of our children and not to absolutely programme our children to a certain form or behaviour. The rod has its role to teach us the concept of right and wrong. Sometimes it teaches somewhat better than a rebuke. But it does involve grace to come alongside to teach the gospel in the use of the rod as well.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.

The Hebrew word for "diligently" is shânan which means sharpening a sword. It is a repetitive shaping that happens in the day to day, line upon line, precept upon precept instruction of the Word of God upon our lives. It is the constant nurturing and planting of seeds and reminding our children of the Law and grace of God, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. We don't always know when our children's hearts are regenerated. As parents, you need to be faithful farmers to plant those seeds and one day you'll realise there's been an amazing work of grace in our children's lives. Their hearts have been changed and they have a sensitivity to their sins and they're walking increasingly in the Spirit and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit.

Teach your children early. Get right onto any opportunity to correct them or to teach them concerning certain aspects of God's Word. There is a tendency for certain sins to grow in a family (eg. complaining, slothfulness, disorder between mommy and daddy). If we're not on our game, those little weeds can grow into gigantic plants that are hard to pull out because you haven't been consistent and early in the correction and the teaching.

Ultimately it is God who changes the hearts. God shifts the will to will and to do according to His good pleasure.

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